Marriage Jokes


You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead." W.W. Renwick
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other women replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted".. Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The bride, upon getting engaged, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. Jackie Mason
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Young Son: Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Then there was a man who said; "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; by then it was too late."
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire". "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid." The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."
Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done for free.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Really good pizza!

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries,paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework,then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper,he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed
the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, Lord,I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

LOL!!

Haha... sucker!

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas.
They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem
that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought.

The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down!

HAHAHAHAHA!!!

Now, THAT's creativity.

CLASS TIME

The class was very noisy just now because there
wasn't any teacher, but now everyone suddenly
turned quiet. That is because the fiercest
teacher
in the school had entered the class. Her face is
as fierce as a lion which will bite anyone's head
off if offended... And if you wanna know more....
follow the lesson.


Students: Good morning, teacher.

Teacher : (shouting) Why is it only good morning?
What about afternoon and night?

Students: Good morning, afternoon and night
teacher!

Teacher : That is unacceptable! It is too long.
Just wish me best regards for my whole day! That
is much better as it is easier and full of
meaning. And that greeting can also be used for
all times.

Students: Best regards teacher!

Teacher : That's better, sit down! Listen today
I,m going to test you all on words that have the
opposite meaning. When I say a sentence or word,
all of you must answer quickly the opposite
meaning to the words, understand?

Students: Understood teacher!

Teacher : I do not want any disturbance!

Students: (silence)

Teacher : Clever!

Students: Stupid!

Teacher : High!

Students: Low!

Teacher : Popular!

Students: Calafare!

Teacher : Wrong!

Students: Correct!

Teacher : Stupid!

Students: Clever!

Teacher : No!

Students: Yes!

Teacher : Oh God!

Students: Oh Slave!

Teacher : Listen to this!

Students: Listen to that!

Teacher : Quiet!

Students: Noisy!

Teacher : That's not a question, stupid!

Students: This is an answer, clever!

Teacher : I'm dead!

Students: We're alive!

Teacher : I'm lazy to teach!

Students: We are hardworking to learn!

Teacher : Enough! Enough!

Students: More! More!

Teacher : Stop! Stop!

Students: Start! Start!

Teacher : Why are you people so stupid?!

Students: Because I am someone clever!

Teacher : Lack manners!

Students: Taught enough!

Teacher : O.K. Lesson has ended!

Students: K.O. Lesson has not started!

Teacher : Enough, stupid!

Students: Not yet, clever!

Teacher : Stand up!

Students: Sit down!

Teacher : I said CALAFARE was wrong!

Students: We said POPULAR was correct!

Teacher : You people are dumb!

Students: We are gifted!

Teacher : All of you must stay back this
afternoon!

Students: Released tonight!

Teacher : (Keep quiet, gather her books and went
out)

haha good one
here's an old joke... but still funny

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club after a round, showering and getting ready for the 19th hole. Suddenly, a mobile phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up and the following conversation ensues:

(H-Husband, W-Wife)

H: "Hello?"

W: "Honey, it�fs me. Are you at the club?"

H: "Yes."

W: "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat.
It�fs absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?"

H: "What�fs the price?"

W: "Only $1,000."

H: "Well, okay, go ahead and get it if you like it that much."

W: "Ahh, and I also stopped by a Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

H: "What price did he quote you?"

W: "Only $60,000."

H: "Okay, but for that price, I want it with all the options."

W: "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."

H: "What?"

W: "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It�fs for sale! Remember the one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, and beachfront property?"

H: "How much are they asking?"

W: "Only $450,000, a magnificent price! and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover."

H: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, just bid up to $450,000. Okay?"

W: "Okay sweetie, thanks! I�fll see you later! I love you."

H: "Bye, I love you too."

The man hangs up and closes the phone�fs flap. The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision. The man raises his hand while holding the phone and asks, "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

i live my life to the fullest nice site!

hahahhahahahahahahhahhahhaahhahahahhahhahahahah
.............
i just laugh till my stomach burst.............

Liar's Clock

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at
the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man. "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

nice one

if bush's clock is like a ceiling fan

mine would be ship's propeller

Smiley_18 wrote:

Liar's Clock A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man. "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

this is a very good one...
my mom can't stop laughing...

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

Sergej had been invited to his friend's party who's got a short-term leave from the military.
Sergej came to his apartment and knocked on the door and his friend opened..
-Hey, Sergej! What's up!
-Everything's cool. How about you?
-I'm great! Glad you could make it. Come on in, everyone's waiting.

The first thing that Sergej noticed as he came in was a huge pipe hanging down from the ceiling which he thought was a bit weird so he asked his friend:
-Hey, what's that hanging from the ceiling? What's it for?
-Don't mind that right now, I'll tell you later. his friend replied.
So they joined the other guests and started drinking and having fun.

But Sergej was bothered by the pipe so after a while he asked his friend again:
-So are you gonna tell me what that is now?
-Not right now, I'll tell you that later.
So they kept partying.

After a while later Sergej became really frustrated and said:
-Look either you tell me now what that pipe's for or I'm walking outta here!
-Ok ok, I'll tell you. It's a clock. his friend replied.
-A clock? Sergej asked.
-Yeah, hold on. He grabed a baseball-bat and started banging on the pipe the hardest that he could and after a moment they heard someone from the apartment above screaming:
-Will you shut up!! Don't you know it's 3 in the morning??!!

Three lawyers and three engineers are both taking a train to a convention. The lawyers notice that the engineers only pay for one ticket and ask how they are going to ride with just one ticket. The engineers reply, "just watch." When the men board the train the engineers quickly hide in the bathroom. Then when the station agent asks for the ticket, one of the engineers creaks open the door and hands them the ticket to get punched.
On the returning trip the lawyers decide to use the trick and purchase just one ticket. The engineers dont buy anything this time. Once again the lawyers ask, "how are you going to pull this off?" The engineers reply, "just watch." As soon as they board the lawyers cram themselves into the bathroom. Once they are all in, one of the engineers knocks on the door and says, "ticket please..."

Joke Wars


All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge, "said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".
"I should be in charge" said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge, " said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge" said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge" said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge, "said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery and the blood was toxic. They all decided! That the rectum should be the boss.
The moral of the story?
The ass hole is usually in charge

the only thing i can do is to read ur jokes 'coz i don't know any

This is my favourite. Enjoy.

The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests last year. The hotel ended up submitting the letters to the "Sunday Times".

Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather.

Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you,

S. Berman
-------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off.

I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.

This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily.

I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy,
Relief Maid
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Maid

I hope you are my regular maid.

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.

I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Imperial Leather, so I won't need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf. They are in the way when shaving, brushing teeth etc. Please remove them.

S. Berman
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service.

I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience.

If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.

Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6.00 PM. That's the reason I called Mr Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.

I only asked Mr Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet, along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf.

In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap.

Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and to remove the extra soaps.

If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5 PM.

Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr Kensedder,

My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing.

Every bar of soap was taken from my room, including my own bath-size Imperial Leather.

I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.

I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.

The situation will be rectified immediately.

Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?

I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Imperial Leather.

Do you realise I have 54 bars of soap in here?

All I want is my bath-size Imperial Leather.

Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather.

S. Berman
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed.

Then you complained to Mr Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily.

I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays.

I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Imperial Leather. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left your room.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.

As of today I possess:
· On the shelf under the medicine cabinet -18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and stack of 2.
· On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
· On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
· Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
· In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
· On the northeast corner of the tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
· On the northwest corner of the tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip.

May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries?

One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather, which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

S. Berman

LOL!


girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy!" she yelled, "We were counting today and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to ten. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! See?"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only go to D, but I went all the way to G. A, B, C, D, E, F, G! See?"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"No, Honey, it's because you're 24."