Hanging with Blondes

There were nine blondes and a brunette hanging of a rope 100 stories high. They had decided that one of them had to get off.
They argued and argued and finally the brunette said ''I'll go.''

The brunette made a touching speech and all the blondes clapped.
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Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty at Xmas

1. Did you get any under the tree? 2. I think your balls are hanging too low. 3. Check out Rudolph's honker! 4. Santa's sack is really bulging. 5. Lift up the skirt so I can get a whiff. 6. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake? 7. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy. 8. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real. 9. Can I interest you in some dark meat? 10. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.
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Another christmas jokes..
Christmas In Heaven

Three men all die on Christmas Day, and arrive at the pearly gates. Peter greets them and tells them that they are all evil men who SHOULD go to hell - but because it's Christmas, he'll let them into heaven if they have something representing the holiday with them.
One of the guys has a Christmas ornament, and gets let in. Another guy has pine needles on his shirt, and gets let in. The third guy pulls out a pair of panties.

"How do those represent Christmas?" asks Peter.

"These are Carol's."
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Hanukkah Gift Guilt

A Jewish guy's mother gave him two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time he visited her, he made sure to wear one.
As he walked into the house, his mother frowned and said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"
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Hanukkah Gift Guilt

A Jewish guy's mother gave him two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time he visited her, he made sure to wear one.
As he walked into the house, his mother frowned and said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"
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From Reader's Digest:
Barry Wilkinson, Midhurst, Ont.
The camera is always in use when our three-year-old grandson,Tyler, comes by. I didn't realize how much until the night of a large thunderstorm. Our son called to tell us that when a bolt of lighting lit up their apartment, Tyler turned to the window and said "Cheese!"

New Jokes!!


The Story of Hanukkah

Stan and John are walking to school one day and Stan is describing his new Playstation 2 to John. "Where did you get that?" John asked "I got it last night for Hanukkah," said Stan. "What''s Hanukkah?" John asked.
"It''s the Jewish holiday where we get presents every night for eight nights to celebrate the festival of lights."

"Wow, I wish we got that!" John exclaimed. The next day on the way to school John runs up to Stan, curious to see what he got. He sees that Stan is upset, "What''s wrong? Where''s your present from last night?" asks John.

Stan holds up a ball of crumpled wrapping paper, "It was leftovers night."
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TO: ALL SPANISH SPEAKING PERSONNEL

FROM: OFFICE MANAGER

SUBJECT: IMPROPER LANGUAGE USAGE

It has been brought to my attention by several visitors to our building that offensive language is commonly used by our employees. Such behavior in addition to violating company practices, is highly unprofessional, offensive to both visitors and employees and will not be tolerated. It is expected that all employees immediately adhere to the following rules:

-Words like coño, carajo and other such expressions will NOT be used for emphasis, no matter how heated the discussion.

-You will NOT say la cagó when someone makes a mistake or se cagó en su madre if you see someone being reprimanded or qué cagada when a major mistake has been made. All forms and derivatives of the word cagar are inappropriate in our environment.

-No manager, under any circumstances will be referred to as el hijo de la gran puta, el cabrón or ese maricón.

-Lack of determination from any individual(s) will NOT be referred to as falta de huevos or mariconería, nor will persons who lack initiative be referred to as huevón or come-mierda.

-Do not say cómo jode if a person is persistent, or say se jodió if a person is going through a difficult situation. Furthermore, you must NOT say qué jodienda when matters become complicated.

-When asking someone to leave you alone, you should NOT say vete al carajo, nor will you substitute qué carajo quieres for 'may I help you?'.

-When things get tough, an acceptable expression such as 'we are going through a difficult time' should be used rather than esto está del carajo. Additionally, if you make a mistake, just say so and do NOT say la cagué, as stated above,

-Salary increases will NOT be referred to as tremenda mierda.

-Last but NOT least, after reading this memorandum, please do not say me voy a limpiar el culo con esto. Just keep it clean and file it properly.

We thank you in advance for your cooperation.

Why Hanukkah is Better Than Christmas

1. There''s no "Donny & Marie Hanukkah Special" 2. Eight days of presents (in theory, anyway). 3. No need to clean the chimney. 4. There's no latke-nog. 5. Burl Ives doesn't sing Hanukkah songs. 6. You won't be pressured to buy Hanukkah Seals. 7. You won't see, "You're a Putz, Charlie Brown". 8. No barking dog version of "I had a Little Driedl". 9. No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards. 10. Blintzes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.
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A father walks up to his son and says, "Son, whatever you do, don't marry a beautiful woman." The son, puzzled, asks "Why not?" The father answers, "Because some day she might leave you." The son thinks for a minute and says, "An ugly woman might leave me too." The father replies, "Yeah, but in that case, it doesn't matter."

no comment.

isn't this supposed to be in the 'jokes' thread?

just received this form a friend..........
although this one aint a joke but its somewhat funny

Did you know that...

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you
would have produce enough
sound energy to heat one cup of coffee .
Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months,
enough gas is produced
to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it
pumps out to the body to
squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head
before it starves to death.
(Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150
calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its
head is attached to its
body. The female initiates sex by ripping the
male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's
like a human jumping the
length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over
quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years
longer than left-handed
people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the
difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that
have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

jholic wrote:

isn't this supposed to be in the 'jokes' thread?

Yep.
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ahochaude wrote:

Yep.

ha, ha! your ava reminds me of that one seinfeld episode where jerry takes a leak in the corner of a parking garage (at a shopping center)!

Today's Joke!

Bullfight Buffet

A man goes to Spain and attends a bullfight. Afterwards he goes to a nearby restaurant and orders the specialty of the day. The waiter brings him two very big balls on a huge plate, which the tourist eats with relish. The next day he goes to the same restaurant again, once again orders the specialty of the day, and he is brought two very big balls on a huge plate. It tastes even more scrumptious.
The third day he does the same and the fourth, but on the fifth day he goes to the restaurant and orders the specialty of the day, and they bring him two very small balls on a big plate. The man asks, "What gives?"

And the waiter says, "Senor, the bullfighter doesn't always win!"
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jholic wrote:

ha, ha! your ava reminds me of that one seinfeld episode where jerry takes a leak in the corner of a parking garage (at a shopping center)!

What was that illness again? Mysatosis?

dochira wrote:

What was that illness again? Mysatosis?

i heard it can kill you if you don't relieve yourself in parking garages.

Check this out: http://bushorchimp.com/

Way too funny!!!

Why do the "Crazy Boy" (it's a famous book in Brazil) sleeps all night on the clock?
A.: For him to wake up on time.

(if u didn't get it, that's a Brazilian kid's joke. o.o
i don't guess u'll understand....but try XD)